Loving and Empowering Your Child- Lessons from a Transgender Scientist

Neurodiversity and Gender Diversity. Lessons from a Transgender Scientist on Loving and Empowering Your Autistic Child

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Table of Contents

  1. A New Perspective on Gender and Neurodiversity
  2. The Complexity of Gender: More Than Just XX and XY
  3. A Spectrum of Identity and the Lessons for Parenting Neurodiverse Children
  4. How Society’s Rigid Definitions Limit Us
  5. Practical Tips: Moving Beyond the Binary in Daily Life
  6. Empowering Your Child’s True Self
  7. Final Thoughts: Building an Inclusive World for All Children

What if gender wasn’t binary, like many of us were taught, but rather as varied as eye color? And if we can accept this spectrum in gender, could this understanding help us support children with neurodevelopmental conditions, like autism, in deeper, more inclusive ways?

In this episode of Happy Sensory Corner, host Kim Pomares sits down with Amethysta Herrick, a transgender advocate with a rich background in genetics, chemistry, and human rights. Amethysta shares her journey and discusses how understanding the complexity of gender can help us foster a more accepting environment for neurodiverse children.

A New Perspective on Gender and Neurodiversity

When we think of gender, most people still consider it a straightforward question: male or female. However, as Amethysta explains, science tells a very different story. Through her background in genetics, she highlights that over 1,200 genes contribute to gender-related characteristics, far surpassing the 16 genes that influence eye color.

“The human genome contains between 20,000 to 30,000 genes, and at least 1,200 of these genes affect what we traditionally think of as gender characteristics.”

Imagine if we applied this understanding to neurodiversity. Many parents of autistic children struggle with societal pressures to conform to rigid expectations of behavior. Just as gender cannot be confined to a binary, neurodiverse individuals cannot always fit into the narrow boxes society may create for them. This is where an expanded view of identity becomes essential.

For those interested in the science behind gender identity, the American Psychological Association provides a comprehensive overview of the biological and psychological aspects of gender.

The Complexity of Gender: More Than Just XX and XY

Most people assume that chromosomes — XX for females and XY for males — dictate gender. Amethysta debunks this by explaining that while these chromosomes play a role, gender involves a complex chain reaction within the body that can lead to diverse outcomes.

For example, even an individual with an XX chromosome may develop male reproductive parts due to certain genetic conditions. This isn’t simply a biological anomaly; it’s a part of the natural variation that exists within humanity.

“Nature doesn’t adhere strictly to the boxes we create. Genetics is messy, and it’s okay for us to embrace that messiness.”

This insight challenges parents, especially those raising neurodiverse children, to rethink how they define “normal.” If nature itself defies rigid categorization, perhaps we can allow children to explore who they truly are without enforcing limiting labels.

A Spectrum of Identity and the Lessons for Parenting Neurodiverse Children

Just as gender might exist on a spectrum, children’s needs and capabilities vary widely. Amethysta’s journey emphasizes that the struggle to fit into a binary framework can be deeply harmful. She recounts her own experiences with societal expectations and how challenging these norms was essential for her mental well-being.

Parenting neurodiverse children often involves a similar struggle against societal expectations. For example, an autistic child may not behave or communicate in ways that are traditionally “normal.” By embracing the concept of a spectrum — whether in gender, learning, or behavior — parents can better support their child’s unique growth.

“When we embrace the full spectrum of identity, we empower each individual to thrive as their true self.”

How Society’s Rigid Definitions Limit Us

One of the most thought-provoking points Amethysta raises is how societal definitions can become restrictive. She draws a parallel between color categorization and gender identity. Just as red and blue are perceived as “fixed” colors, we often view male and female as fixed categories. But colors, much like gender, exist along a continuum.

This rigid approach limits our ability to see people in their full complexity. For example, children with autism are often labeled based on what they “can’t” do, instead of being appreciated for their unique strengths.

“When we simplify complex identities into binary choices, we strip individuals of the full richness of their humanity.”

Instead of viewing a child through the lens of what they lack, consider their broader, more nuanced characteristics.

Practical Tips: Moving Beyond the Binary in Daily Life

How can parents and educators put these ideas into practice? Here are some actionable tips inspired by Amethysta’s experiences and Claudie’s insights on sensory enrichment:

• Avoid Labels: Steer away from words like “normal” and “abnormal.” Instead, focus on observing your child’s behaviors, interests, and strengths without judgment.

• Encourage Exploration: Give children the freedom to explore different activities and roles without pushing gendered expectations.

• Practice Empathy: Acknowledge that each child is unique. Validate their feelings and experiences as part of their journey.

• Use Sensory Enrichment: Claudie shares sensory enrichment protocols that help children process emotions and feel more at ease in their environment. For example, using scent or texture in a calm setting can help a child regroup during stressful moments.

Empowering Your Child’s True Self

Empowering children to feel comfortable in their own skin is one of the most valuable gifts a parent can provide. Amethysta shares that her own journey to self-acceptance was a hard-won battle, one made more challenging by the societal expectations she internalized.

For parents of neurodiverse children, this message is crucial. Encouraging children to embrace their individuality, even if it deviates from societal norms, can foster a deeper sense of self-worth and happiness.

“Every label, every category, falls short of capturing a person’s full identity. Let your child tell you who they are.”

By creating a nurturing environment that emphasizes self-discovery, parents can empower their children to embrace their strengths and navigate their challenges with resilience. This doesn’t mean ignoring a child’s needs but rather framing their identity in a way that celebrates their uniqueness.

Final Thoughts: Building an Inclusive World for All Children

Amethysta’s insights remind us that accepting diversity in gender can be a powerful first step toward accepting diversity in all forms — including neurodiversity. When we expand our understanding of what it means to be human, we make space for everyone, including children with unique neurological needs, to find acceptance.

For parents and educators, adopting this inclusive mindset is more than a social responsibility; it’s a gift to each child who will benefit from a world that sees them for who they are, rather than who they are “supposed” to be.

As you reflect on these ideas, consider how you might begin to implement this broader perspective in your family, classroom, or community. It’s in these small, compassionate steps that we can create a lasting impact.

Podcast Transcript

Kim
While we’re experts in brain development, we’re not experts in everything—like nutrition, physical activity, advocacy, education, job training, or recreation. That’s why I’m thrilled to introduce today’s guest, Amethysta Herrick. Amethysta has had a fascinating journey through many fields—genetics, chemistry, software engineering, and executive management. Yet she says her greatest challenge has been addressing the misconception that gender and identity are only relevant to the LGBTQ community. Drawing on her personal transgender experience and scientific background, she shows that these are issues everyone faces.

Kim
Amethysta is passionate about promoting equality for all people. Through her writing and speaking, she explores identity, gender theory, and feminism. One thing I love is that she transforms complicated ideas into stories, making her audience not only understand but feel her message. She’s also known to play a 35-year-old Fender Stratocaster when she’s not advocating for human rights. Amethysta, thank you for being on the show today.

Amethysta
Thank you, Kim, for having me.

Kim
I’m looking forward to starting with the story you shared with me earlier. I think it’s a perfect way to kick off the episode and dive into our discussion. Please go ahead and share it.

Amethysta
All right, let me share my screen. This is a story about a little girl who grew up back in the olden days—after Woodstock but before Star Wars was ever in theaters. A baby girl was born, but strangely, her parents weren’t even aware of it. Not because her mother was unconscious or her father was off in Siberia, but because a doctor looked at the baby’s anatomy and made a decision about her identity that would shape her life.

Amethysta
The doctor typed a single letter, “M,” on her birth certificate. And it wasn’t the letter itself that made her life hard; it was everything that came with it. The girl knew she was a girl, but that letter “M” made her parents, her community, and her government think she was a boy. She wanted to play with Barbies, but was told those things weren’t for her. So she learned she wasn’t “enough” for what girls did. And when she tried doing what people said she should do, she found she wasn’t any good at those things either. She was alone.

Amethysta
Puberty hit, and her body felt wrong, looked wrong, and no matter what she did, she couldn’t make it feel right. She wanted to hurt herself; it was the only thing that seemed right. But one thing kept her going—learning how things worked. She excelled in school, ignoring people who called her a boy. When she started working, she found that if she just agreed with those who insisted she was a boy, she could earn more money. So she buried that girl deep inside where no one could find her, not even herself.

Amethysta
Eventually, she found out she was going to be a father. He didn’t know how to be a father, didn’t understand boys, but he knew he needed to be “a man.” So he buried the little girl inside even deeper. But he was dying inside. Until one day, his family reminded him of the little girl they sometimes saw peeking out. They reminded him she needed love, and they wanted to love her. So he let her free, and that little girl became everything she was supposed to be. That little girl was me.

Kim
Thank you for sharing, Amethysta. I think that’s a beautiful way to begin the discussion because, as you said, these issues are universal. Now, you’ve had a unique career journey—genetics, chemistry, software engineering. Could you tell us a bit about your background and how it relates to our discussion on the science of sex and gender?

Amethysta
When I was young, I wanted to know everything about the universe and especially about myself. I thought I was “wrong,” that something was wrong with me, so I set out to learn. I began studying genetics early, with the idea that it defined who we are. I wanted to be a molecular biologist, thinking maybe I could engineer a “better” human being, or at least make myself better so I could have a better life. I eventually focused on analytical chemistry, which emphasized data analysis and experimental design—how to make sure the data supports your conclusion.

Kim
So you were essentially studying the study of study.

Amethysta
Yes, exactly.

Kim
What’s the most surprising thing you learned from studying the process of learning?

Amethysta
The biggest lesson was that science, as a whole, knows very little. Science is about constantly asking questions, not just accepting things as true or false. The real magic of science is in the “why”—continuing to ask questions and challenging theories, even when things don’t seem to fit.

Kim
Socrates said, “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” And I think you’re tapping into that.

Amethysta
Yes! It’s a humbling realization, but incredibly important for approaching anything in life. When I shifted into software, it was about applying that broad perspective in a new way. The scientific method is still there, even in code—analyzing, designing solutions, and testing them.

Kim

You’ve got this deep drive to find answers. You pursued a Ph.D., essentially concluding that the scientific method is a good approach, but you also realized there’s so much we don’t know. Instead of continuing to ask questions, you shifted to building solutions. Why that shift? Did something trigger it?

Amethysta

It’s a complicated answer. As I finished graduate school and prepared to enter the working world, I realized I’d need to make some concessions. One major concession was to become the person I thought the world wanted me to be. I gave up on my true self because, at the time, I was being taught that money was everything—identity, power, success. I ultimately believed in the American Dream that we are defined by our possessions and income. I don’t agree with that anymore, but that belief pushed me toward software engineering.

Kim

So, stepping into software engineering was a step back for your personal quest, in a way.

Amethysta

Absolutely, in terms of self-discovery. But software taught me a lot about people. I went into management, not because I wanted to be a leader, but because people saw value in my holistic perspective. Over time, I dispelled my own belief—and helped others do the same—that I had to be the person society expected. This contributed to my gender transition journey and my research into identity, which eventually led me to write and connect deeply with people’s stories.

Kim

That mix—your background in research, the study of study, and storytelling—feels perfect. When we were preparing for this podcast, we brainstormed an analogy to introduce the concept that there’s so much we don’t understand about sex and gender. I think we compared the number of genes that influence eye color to those that influence sex. Could you explain that?

Amethysta

Absolutely. Genetics, for all its power, is actually very imprecise. In Western society, we tend to think of genetics as something that “cannot lie,” but it often does—or at least, it doesn’t work as neatly as we think. Eye color, for example, is influenced by about 16 genes. However, the human genome has between 20,000 and 30,000 genes, and they all contribute to different aspects of our development.

Kim

So, 16 genes for eye color—but how many genes are we talking about when it comes to sex?

Amethysta

Great question. There’s about one specific gene on the Y chromosome, called SRY (sex-determining region Y), that influences the development of male reproductive parts. However, that gene doesn’t operate in isolation. It kicks off a chain reaction of biochemical events, including hormone interactions, maternal environment sensitivity, and other complex factors. The process isn’t binary; it’s more of a spectrum. That’s where it gets messy. Studies show around 1,200 genetic characteristics exist outside of this binary framework. We often call these “intersex” characteristics.

Kim

So some male characteristics can “bleed” into female ones and vice versa?

Amethysta

Yes, exactly. If we think of sex and gender as a strict binary, we ignore a vast spectrum of possibilities. All humans carry the genetic information to develop along a wide range of traits. Chromosomes 1 through 22, the autosomes, are the same for everyone. They contain genes responsible for various physical and secondary sex characteristics, which means all humans share more genetic similarities than we might think.

Kim

This whole idea of a gender spectrum challenges a lot of our definitions and societal constructs. When you were younger, society assigned you an “M” on your birth certificate. Why do you think we’re so eager to make these rigid distinctions?

Amethysta

I believe it comes down to our desire to categorize. In modern society, especially with advancements in genetics and pharmaceuticals, we became obsessed with defining “why we are the way we are” instead of simply “who we are.” We want neat boxes, but science isn’t about boxes or facts; it’s about the bigger picture. A person isn’t a set of genitals or a label; we’re complex beings with 20,000 genes. When we stick to rigid categories, we miss the whole human.

Kim

You’re talking about the whole person—20,000 genes, 1,200 intersex characteristics, so much variance. And yet, for you, having an “M” on a birth certificate boiled down to, “Can this person produce sperm?” It sounds limiting.

Amethysta

Exactly. That “M” represented a probability I might produce sperm, which, yes, I did. But aside from defining which bathroom I used and contributing to societal expectations, what did it really achieve? We reduce people to simplistic markers, when the reality is much more complex. We’re so much more than chromosomes or anatomy. Every human carries a unique set of gifts and experiences, and each label describes us imperfectly.

Kim

Since a lot of our audience consists of parents, especially those raising children with neurological conditions, I’d love to transition into how these ideas might apply to parenting. Many parents feel overwhelmed by the complexity of their child’s needs and the pressures of society. What would you say to parents who are trying to take a more holistic view of their child’s identity?

Amethysta

That’s a great question. First, I would say that labels—whether they’re about gender, neurodivergence, or anything else—are often limiting. They’re imperfect ways of describing unique individuals. A lot of what you experience with your child isn’t “your fault” or anyone’s fault. Much of it comes down to a complex interaction of genetics and environment. Recognizing that each person is unique and complex is the first step in letting go of rigid expectations.

Kim

So, parents of neurodivergent children are already used to thinking outside societal boxes. They’re prepared for this journey in a way that others might not be.

Amethysta

Absolutely. Parents who have navigated life with a neurodivergent child often have a head start in seeing people as unique individuals. They’re accustomed to looking beyond labels and understanding their child holistically. This perspective can be incredibly valuable. Instead of boxing their child into societal expectations, they’re already learning to accept their child’s individuality, and that’s a huge advantage.

Kim

That’s such a powerful mindset shift. What would you say is the next step for parents who have already started this journey?

Amethysta

Observe without judgment. Science is ultimately about observation, and I believe that applies to life as well. Just experience your child, observe who they are without filtering through what you think they “should” be. When I began hormone therapy during my transition, I had significant cognitive shifts. I started feeling emotions I’d never felt before, like joy and love. It was as though I was finally allowing myself to experience a fuller human life.

Kim

What advice would you give to parents about honoring their child’s unique journey?

Amethysta

Rollo May, an existential psychologist, wrote that learning to love and accept ourselves not only improves our lives but the world around us. If parents can look inward, accept who they are, and then approach their child with that same openness, it creates a compassionate environment. We’re all more than a label. We’re not defined by chromosomes or neurodivergence; each person has a unique set of gifts, even if they don’t always feel like “gifts.” Recognizing and honoring that individuality can make all the difference.

Kim

That’s beautiful, Amethysta. What a wonderful way to wrap up our discussion. Thank you so much for your insights and for sharing your story. I think we’ve done some real good today.

Amethysta

Thank you, Kim. That’s my purpose now—helping others through my experiences. And thank you for everything you’re doing.

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